hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Randomize
