maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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