last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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