I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
