ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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