I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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