By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
