I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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