remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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