You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
