I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I party with great urgency now.
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