he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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