just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
