matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
