it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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