The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
