I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
