its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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