Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
