filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
