seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
