My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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