His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
