Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
