If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
