Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
