my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
