Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
