I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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