If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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