no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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