I must be too annoying 4 u.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
