Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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