i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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