stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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