im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
