EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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