I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Blow job season was short but glorious.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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