no, he came in my armpit
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
