Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
