Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
