My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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