Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
