So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
