If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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