Got a toothbrush?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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