I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
