I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
