I met the friendliest cop last night
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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