we're chasing vodka with high fives
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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